How to Go Guesting (Part Two)

(Read the previous post for steps 1 & 2.)

STEP THREE: Show up.
This step seems obvious, but yea... if you tell someone you're going to go visit them, you should probably go visit them. Or at least let them know you have to cancel. Once you have arrived at someone's house, you will probably sit down for çay. This is major talking time right here - if it is someone you have recently met, you will probably go through the usual questions (where are your parents? do you miss for them? are you married? why not? would you like to get married in Azerbaijan? can you teach my son/daughter English? which do you like better America or Azerbaijan? etc...). The guesting experience will become much more enjoyable once you get to know the people you are guesting with and can move on to more meaningful conversations. At this point, if you are only guesting by having some çay, proceed to step 5. If you are there for a meal, go on to step 4.


STEP FOUR: Pace yourself. Binge eating never feels good.
After you have had a few cups of çay, you're probably hungry for some real food. If you are in a casual setting they will usually clear the table, wipe it down, and bring out the bread and dinner. Nuş olsun! Start eating. It's okay if you are the first one or the only one eating, they usually expect you to start as soon as the food is placed before you on the table.
If you are in a more formal setting (aka if there is an array of salads on the table and/or there are actual place settings), you will begin on the first course. Easy there, cowboy. Yes, that mayonnaise salad is delicious, but remember that there is more food coming, and if you eat too much of it now, your stomach will not be happy with you later. Restrict yourself to one or two slices of bread with the salads.

Next come the heartier foods. Typically I've had some kind of dolma at this point, either grape leaf or the 3 baci (eggplant, tomato, pepper), as well as fried potatoes and maybe some kind of meat (fried chicken perhaps). Feel free to continue stuffing your face. You might start to feel like your getting full. Once you feel your body start to tell you that maybe you should stop eating, you should stop eating. Let your stomach chill out for a second, because guess what? There's more food coming YAY! The last thing to come out is usually plov, rice with sauteed onions or chestnuts or beans or chicken or all of these together. If you felt full after the salads, you're probably in pain at this point in the meal. Your host will expect you to eat (or at least taste) everything that is brought out... so if you don't try something, be prepared to explain why not.


Once everyone is done eating, the table will be cleared away to make room for more çay. If you have any room left in your stomach, go ahead and devour whatever dessert has been laid out. If you have absolutely no more room for food, try to take the smallest piece and at least taste it (did you eat too much bread early in the game? Rookie mistake!).


STEP FIVE: Go time.
By this point you've probably engaged in all sorts of conversations, and maybe had a few pleasantly awkward silences. Don't worry about those, they're part of the natural flow of conversations. You're probably looking at your watch and thinking, "whoa I've been here for X hours already? how did that happen?!?" Time to make your exit. Thank your host for everything, and explain that you must go ("I have class early in the morning/I must speak with my parents on Skype/It is late I must sleep"/etc.). If they are really insistent on you staying, partake in another cup of çay. When you are ready to go, stand up and put your coat on (if you brought one)... it'll let 'em know you mean you're not kidding, you are actually leaving. Thank everyone again, shake some hands, give some hugs/kisses, and make your way to the door. If it is late at night and you are a female, they will probably want to escort you home. Accept this. Thank them one more time, and make your way back to your house. You did it, YAY!


Note: If you are a male, guesting may also involve drinking alcohol, which may involve giving toasts, which may mean a completely different guesting experience. Prepare yourself accordingly.